Lord of The Barrels
By Rob
Originally posted to agd

Now is the time that the great book shall be opened. All shall be told.
Secrets revealed. Sit back weary travelers, this is the truth of the barrel
wars.

It all started one dark day. Clouds hung over the town of Tristram.
Demons roamed freely through the underground causing pain and horror. Even
the local heroes that resided in the small village were not brave enough to
go out that day. That is all but one small group.
It was the eve of the eclipse. When the morning sun came up in the sky
it would be blocked by the sun. This was a demonic holiday. As long as the
demons didn't come to the surface their power would be tripled. Enough to
make any worthy fighter or mage turn around and wait another day.
But as I said one small group didn't, chancing that they would make it
out by sunrise. Leading this group was the noble hero and mentor Bob. Beside
him was as always his sidekick Skee. But the most important member was an
inexperienced student holding up the back line who called himself December.
It was there that the group fought the evil hordes as Bob taught
December not only how to fight but how to fight with honor and compassion.
It was near the end of this journey that Skee looked down at his watch,
noticing only a few short minutes remained before sunrise he said "Oh Sh*t
we gotta get outta here Bob."
Bob looked back at him and said "Shut up b*tch." Skee didn't take the
remark too well and the two engaged in a yelling match that would have soon
become a physical confrontation.
That is if December didn't do what he did. At almost the exact moment of
the eclipse he swung his sword to break open a barrel. Bob noticed him and
left Skee hoping he would be fast enough to stop him. He failed. When the
sword hit the barrel it let of an explosion. That wouldn't have been much
except it started a chain reaction and fifty or so barrels went off at once.
Bob felt a piece of wood jam in to his eye. He ran around screaming "Get it
out! Get it out! It's puncturing my brain!" Then he saw a few more bright
flashes and passed out.
Skee could see almost nothing through the thick smoke that traveled
through the room. That was until he saw the lightning bolt graze across his
body. He was about to stand and fight but looking at his watch he knew his
only chance was escape. He ran for the exit and tripped over a body lying on
the ground. It was Bob. He seemed barely alive. Skee threw him over his
shoulder and ran for both of their lives.

Bob awoke in a bed in Pepin's place. His vision was hurt bad. The
splinter took out most of his left eye permanently ruining much of his
vision. He saw Pepin and Skee standing above him. Pepin said "You were
nearly dead. I rebuilt you. You are now a stronger, faster, better Bob."
Bob felt strange. Something was wrong he just didn't know what. He said
"Doc, something ain't right. I feel like I'm missing something."
Pepin gave a casual smile and said "That would be your sex drive. I
removed it."
"YOU B*STARD" Bob screamed.
Bob's throat was dry. He was nearly dehydrated. He said "B*tch I'm
thirsty, go get me some water."
"Damn it Bob" said Skee "Stop calling me a b*tch."
Bob yelled back at him "I only call you a b*tch because you are a b*tch.
In fact your my b*tch. Now go get me my water b*tch."
Skee gave him a brutal stare and said "F*ck you Bob. I'm outta here."

Everyone just assumed December had died down in those depths. Skee
couldn't find the body through the smoke. Most likely there wasn't even a
large enough piece left of it to find. Even if he had lived through it by
some miracle he would never of survived the demon attack.
But they were wrong. Darren could of told you that. He was getting ready
to do an every day easy church run. Then he saw December crawling on his
stomach as he managed to pull himself from the dungeon. His face turned into
some hideous piece of flesh. His skin ripped from his bones. His body barely
strong enough to move. He felt sorry for him and took him home.

With full heal potions a-plenty it took December nearly a week to heal.
Still he wasn't his former self. His face and his skin was so horrible no
man could as much as look at him with out being induced in to regurgitating
his lunch. He dressed himself in full black armor. From his helmet to his
boots. Not a single inch of his body could be seen.
He called in a friend. A man who said he could help. A Satanist by the
name of Steel Lord. Steel Lord would not be satisfied until every last
natural resource was stripped from the earth. Every animal extinct every
fuel wasted. It just so happens that the barrels were his next target.
The two put forth all their efforts trying to convince Darren to join
their little group. Steel Lord kept commenting on how fun it would be to
watch the wooden ones die in pain. Finally Darren gave in and said "I will
not partake in the slaughter of innocent creatures be they of flesh or wood.
But if they attacked you noble December with out being provoked as you have
said than they are an evil which must be destroyed. I stand beside you
brothers."

Sadly Bob walked the streets of Tristram. It was than that he ran in to
Rich G. Seeing the tear running down his cheek Rich asked him "What's
wrong."
Struggling to speak over his crying Bob said "My b*tch left me."
Startled and surprised and wanting to change the topic of conversation
Rich said "Um.. O.k., my name's Rich."
Bob jumped up in excitement and said "You're a b*tch. I need a b*tch.
Will you be my b*tch?"
Rich laughed and said "No I'm not a b*tch, I'm Rich. If you want I can
be your Rich."
Bob said "That'll do. Now come on b*tch. We have things to do."

It was later that day that Bob ran across a poster for guild
recruitment. He was horrified at what he saw. They called themselves the
Lords of Splinters and took pride in slaughtering the innocent little
barrels. What was worse was the name of their leader. His once pupil
December. He knew he had to stop this senseless murder. He had to find
December. It was his fault. He hadn't trained him good enough. Now he had to
right the wrong. He grabbed Rich and said "C'mon b*tch... I mean Rich, we
have work to do.

DADADADADADADA BOB-MAN

Dysentery Bob and Rich G. had come across a group of BKing scum lurking
through the church. They were being led by a psychotic cross dressing mad
man wearing only purple. Rich poked Dysentery and said "Bob, why do we have
to wear these tights. I mean it was kind of kinky and arousing at first but
after a few hours they just get annoying."
Dysentery b*tch slapped him and said "Shut up before you blow our
cover."

The two ran out screaming. Bob swung his sword through the air ripping
the vile BKs in two. Rich however wasn't as lucky. During the confusion of
battle the purple one came behind him and put a sword to his throat. He said
"Drop the sword tight boy, you're coming with me."
When the battle was over Bob looked around. Rich had disappeared. Bob
said "Damn it! That's the second b*tch I've lost this week."

Stay tuned for the next chapter -
The Fall of Rich
or
K-la K-la My B*tch is Back


The Lord Of The Barrels: Part 2 - The Fall Of Rich

After a long day Charlie returned to his home and opened a beer, sat
down on his recliner, and clicked on the TV. He had no idea what was to
happen. He had no idea that in a few minutes he would be catapulted in to
something that would become bigger than he ever imagined. Never had he
thought he would be one of the key players in a revolution, that he would
command an army in to battle, or that his very life may end based on his
actions. Then again, how would he of known.
It was then that the telephone rang. When he answered he heard Bob's
voice on the other end. Bob went through the entire story thus far. About
December's fall, about Skee's leaving, and of Rich's capture. Then he asked
Charlie that question he had been waiting that whole night to ask. The
question that kept him on edge ever since Rich's capture. The one thing Bob
had to know.
Charlie yelled in to the phone "NO! I WILL NOT BE YOUR B*TCH."
"Oh all right" Bob said "Well if you won't be my b*tch than can you at
least help me save Rich."

December through another punch with his iron fist across Rich's face.
Rich was helpless. He was tied up to the chair unable to move. Rich spit in
December's face and said "I'll never talk you b*stard."
"This isn't working" said December "bring in the electrolizer." Steel
Lord walked in pushing an odd machine. December flipped a switch. Buttons
flashed and noises were made all over the machine. He picked up the control
paddle and place it up to Rich's head. He flipped a switch. A charge of
electricity flowed in to Rich's brain causing permanent damage and putting
Rich in to extreme pain.

Charlie popped the cap off the whiskey bottle and took a slug as he and
Bob walked to Purple's lair. Bob said "Now lets go over the story one more
time to make sure we have everything in sync."
Charlie spoke "Our car broke down up the road and now we need to use the
telephone to get a tow truck."
Bob nodded than added "You forgot, your my b*tch"
Outraged Charlie yelled "I AM NOT YOUR B*TCH!"
"And our car didn't break down" Bob continued "But we need to act like
that's the way it is."

Charlie rang the doorbell. A hunchbacked pale balding servant greeted
them. Bob said "High our tow truck broke down up the phone and we need to
use the road to call a car."
The hunched one stood there silent. Charlie waved the whiskey bottle in
front of his face and said "Hello d*ckhead, anyone home?"
Purple came down the stairs in a purple nighty and sang /7How do you
doo, I see you've met myy, faithful handyman. He's just a little brought
down, because when he heard you knock, he thought you were the candyman.
DON'T GET STRUNG OUT, BY THE WAY I LOOK. Don't judge a book by it co-o-over.
I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a
lo-o-over. I'm just a sweet transvestite, from transsexual, transylvania. /7
Charlie said "Now this is f*cked."

Another electric shock went through Rich's head. Steel Lord looked at
December and said "He's some sort of demi-god. No mortal could take that
much punishment."
Rich struggled to say "You'll never break me you f*cks. I remain loyal
to Bob." December laughed and said "It's time for our secret weapon. Bring
in the Raven."
Rich uttered "It's useless. You couldn't possibly hurt me more than you
already have."
"Oh, I'm through with pain fool. Now I'll try pleasure."
Steel Lord and December exited the room as Silver Raven walked in. Rich
was about to say something but she put her finger on top of her lip, telling
him to hush, right before she cracked the whip in her other hand.

Darren, December, and Steel Lord sat around the table discussing their
next move. Steel Lord brought out papers saying "We need to have control of
AGD. Cindy controls Justus so it is vital we woe her to our side. Tony
controls the list so we'll need him too. Now Lo Fi Cat controls almost
everything else. The ring, the gallery, and the library. If we have her, we
have the group."
Darren spoke up "Why do we need to control the group? If we tell them of
our noble cause they'll surely join us."
Steel Lord shot back "Because Bob attempt to slur the facts and take
them over if we don't first. On the subject we need a man to work spin
control. My definite choice would be Casman."
"So be it." Said December "Do we have any other business."
"Yes" answered Steel Lord "I have a guy I'd like you to meet. A Mr. Moe
Saint Evergreen."
Moe walked in to the room chewing on a piece of wood. He looked at the
pencil in December's hand and asked "Can I see that?" December handed it
over to him and Moe said "This would go great with some fava beans." and
then licked his tongue around his lips.
"Are you sure this guy is sane?" asked December.
Steel Lord said "It doesn't matter. He has powers to do things like you
wouldn't believe. He would make a great ally in this."
Silver Raven entered the room and said "I'm finished with Rich. He's one
of us now."
"Great" said December "Inform Purple to allow the intruders to retrieve
him now."

Bob and Charlie entered the room Rich was held in wearing women's
lingerie. Rich Laughed and said "What the hell happened to you."
Charlie said "I'd rather not talk about it. Lets just leave."

Stay tuned for the next chapter

Bob is betrayed
or
Sex, sex, sex

Deep with in the woodlands there was a small little cabin. You may
wonder what this small cabin has to do with such a great war, but it was
here that Bob hid in secrecy to keep himself safe from the masses of what he
considered to be deranged murders.
Shortly after their departure from the clutches of the vile
cross-dressing one, Bob, Charlie and Rich retreated to this sanctuary. They
knew it would only be time before December had decided to make a move on
them. Already the LOS had managed to bring their numbers higher than anyone
had ever suspected possible. They had to make their move now.
As the night drifted on and day was nearing Charlie popped open another
bottle of scotch. With Charlie almost to drunk to even stay awake and Rich
partially insane from electrocution, not to mention Bob's normal state, the
group was a little more relaxed than normal.
Bob sat on his favorite chair and said "Ahh, now that's comfortable.
This is definitely my most favorite chair in the whole world. There's
nothing like a good chair to sit in after a long day."
"Bob" Charlie said "You're straying off subject again."
"Remind me Charlie" responded Bob "What was the subject again?"
Rich cut in and said "We were talking about the best place to get nude
pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt."
Charlie jumped up and yelled "Double-U-Double-U-Double-U dot nakedsex
slash celebrity slash home dot com."
Bob screamed back "Wrong. Just type Hewitt in the URL and you get a site
with much better pictures."
Charlie gave a mean stare and said "You mean phony pictures."
"Damn it they're real" Bob disagreed "Unlike yours where you can barely
see a nipple through the dark shadows."
"Um guys" asked Rich "What do we do if the LOS finds us here?"
"Relax" said Bob "Me and Skee spent weeks finding the perfect spot for
this place. No one could possibly find us here. Hell, with out directions
they'd have trouble even surviving the walk."
Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Ohhh" Said Bob "That must be the pizza I
ordered."
"Damn it Bob" yelled Charlie "You told the pizza man where we were?"
"Calm down already" Charlie was answered "We can erase his memory with
our mind scrambling gun. And before we tip him to."
"Bob you f*cking idiot" Charlie said "We don't have a mind scrambling
gun. There's no such thing as a mind scrambling gun."
Bob was pissed when he yelled "Oh sh*t. One of you guys are going to
have to chip in for the tip now."

Bob opened the door and outside he saw December, Steel Lord and Darrin
backed by over one hundred LOS Members. Bob said "f*ck." The three walked in
with a few soldiers following behind them. Rich and Charlie both took up
defensive positions. Bob jumped up front and said "Do what you will to Rich
and Charlie. Please just don't f*ck with the chair. I finally got it broken
in just the way I like it."
Swallowing the last bit of scotch in the bottle Charlie screamed "Your
madness ends here December" then charged him with his sword. That charge
should of killed December, that is if Charlie was hold his sword by the
hilt. But in his drunkenness Charlie had grabbed the sword by the blade and
merely made a thud on December's armor as the hilt hit against it while at
the same time slicing open his hand.

Deep with in the cellars of the LOS stronghold, down in the murky
underworld that was the dungeon, Charlie and Bob were held prisoner with in
a jail cell along with some other shifty characters.
"Damn it" Said Bob "I don't know how the hell they got us. Some one must
have led them to our hide out."
"No one led them" Charlie said as he drank his tequila. "You told
everyone where you were. The pizza man. The mail man. The prostitutes on
seventh avenue. Everyone."
One of the guards came down to the cell doors carrying the dinner tray.
"Ooo, what did you bring us?" asked bob."
The guard said "Bean surprise."
"What's the surprise?" asked Charlie.
The guard answered "Miracle whip"

Shortly after the guards departure the two sat down to eat their dinner.
Charlie said, trying to make conversation "What I'm wondering is what
happened to Rich. I've bribed the guards for information and alcohol and no
one down here has even heard of him."
"Wait a minute" Bob said "You didn't have any money on you when we were
captured."
"So?" Charlie said a little confused.
"So if you didn't have any money, then how'd you bribe the guards?"
"Uhhh" Charlie was a little hesitant "I don't want to talk about it."
"Just answer one question for me then Charlie."
"What Bob?"
"Did you swallow?"
Charlie picked up his food and walked away saying "I'm going to eat with
the other fellows."

One of the prisoners sat down beside Charlie while he ate and said
"There's a rumor going around that you have a full-proof plan for our
escape."
"I'm glad you brought that up" said Charlie as he pulled a piece of
paper from his pocket "I've been talking to prisoners and bribing guards
while at the same time studying the architecture of this prison. I stayed up
all last night working on this plan. If we follow it to the letter there is
nothing to stop us from being free men tomorrow."

Bob sat alone eating his beans and miracle whip. He liked it. In fact he
was on his second plate which he stole from a prisoner after he got sick
from just a few bites. As Bob shoveled it down he suddenly felt a sharp pain
in his stomach. Something wasn't right. He yelled "Oh sh*t." and ran to
Charlie's table grabbing the escape plan from Charlie's hand before locking
himself in the bathroom.
Charlie ran to the door and yelled "Damn it Bob. I need that piece of
paper back. Come out of there right now." All Bob said in return was "Uhh,
Uhh, Ahhh." Bob finally walked out and handed the paper to Charlie. He took
one look at it and said "There's some kind of sh*t all over this Bob. What'd
you do wipe your *ss with it?"
Bob looked away in shame and Charlie through the plan to the ground
yelling "F*ck Bob."

December, Steel Lord and Darrin met in the conference chamber. Steel
Lord said "Rich did good. They're in the dungeon now. What would you like
done to them."
December said "I say we kill Bob."
Darrin broke in "You can't just go around killing defenseless people
like that. He'll do no harm down there I assure you."
"He may be right." said Steel Lord "We don't want to make a Martyr out
of Bob. He may be even stronger dead than alive."
December laughed and said "He won't be a martyr, trust me. With out Bob
there's no one left to lead them. Charlie's Rotting downstairs and Rich is
with us."
"What about Skee" Asked Steel Lord.
December shot back "Skee couldn't do sh*t even if he ate our bean
surprise. Now how should we kill Bob. I'm looking at a beheading."
A smile went across Steel Lord's face as he said "If we have a beheading
we have to also have a festival to celebrate. I'll see that everything is
prepared for tomorrow."
December smelt a disturbance in the room's air. He asked "Do you guys
smell smoke?"
Turning around he saw a small fire on the ground and stomped it out with
his foot. There was a man standing above the fire with a cigarette hanging
from his mouth. He said "I didn't do it."
"Who is this?" Demanded December.
Steel Lord cut in and said "This is Rob. He joined with us about a week
ago I've decided to make him my protogee."
"Fine" Said December "But if he starts one more fire there'll be hell to
pay." December turned around to give Rob a mean stare but instead noticed
half the room was ablaze. "Holy sh*t" he yelled "How the f*ck does he start
two fires that fast?"
Rob pointed at Darrin and said "He did it."

Late at night when the LOS army had gone to sleep Rob decided it was
time to see what these guys were all about. He sneaked in to December's
personal office and started thumbing through the files. What he found
shocked him. December wasn't in this because of the barrels. It was
something else entirely he was after. He wanted power. The more of the files
that Rob read the more disgusted he became. Then he read the last one
mentioning Bob's execution the next day.
"Hi there" Said December. Rob spun around nearly dropping the cigarette
from his mouth. "You son of a b*tch" he said "You aren't trying to stop the
barrels. You're trying to control AGD."
"AGD is small Rob" December whispered "I'm going for something much
bigger. Now you know about it, but I'll make it worth your while to keep
your mouth shut. I can give you power like you wouldn't believe."
"And do your killing like that deranged f*ck Steel Lord or belive your
lies like Darrin?" Rob shot back.
"No not at all" December answered "They know nothing of this. You would
be higher than them. In fact we'd be in this together like partners. What do
you say partner?"

Stay tuned for the next chapter
The Great Escape
or
Heads Up

The Lord of the Barrels: Part 3 - Bob is Betrayed

Deep with in the woodlands there was a small little cabin. You may
wonder what this small cabin has to do with such a great war, but it was
here that Bob hid in secrecy to keep himself safe from the masses of what he
considered to be deranged murders.
Shortly after their departure from the clutches of the vile
cross-dressing one, Bob, Charlie and Rich retreated to this sanctuary. They
knew it would only be time before December had decided to make a move on
them. Already the LOS had managed to bring their numbers higher than anyone
had ever suspected possible. They had to make their move now.
As the night drifted on and day was nearing Charlie popped open another
bottle of scotch. With Charlie almost to drunk to even stay awake and Rich
partially insane from electrocution, not to mention Bob's normal state, the
group was a little more relaxed than normal.
Bob sat on his favorite chair and said "Ahh, now that's comfortable.
This is definitely my most favorite chair in the whole world. There's
nothing like a good chair to sit in after a long day."
"Bob" Charlie said "You're straying off subject again."
"Remind me Charlie" responded Bob "What was the subject again?"
Rich cut in and said "We were talking about the best place to get nude
pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt."
Charlie jumped up and yelled "Double-U-Double-U-Double-U dot nakedsex
slash celebrity slash home dot com."
Bob screamed back "Wrong. Just type Hewitt in the URL and you get a site
with much better pictures."
Charlie gave a mean stare and said "You mean phony pictures."
"Damn it they're real" Bob disagreed "Unlike yours where you can barely
see a nipple through the dark shadows."
"Um guys" asked Rich "What do we do if the LOS finds us here?"
"Relax" said Bob "Me and Skee spent weeks finding the perfect spot for
this place. No one could possibly find us here. Hell, with out directions
they'd have trouble even surviving the walk."
Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Ohhh" Said Bob "That must be the pizza I
ordered."
"Damn it Bob" yelled Charlie "You told the pizza man where we were?"
"Calm down already" Charlie was answered "We can erase his memory with
our mind scrambling gun. And before we tip him to."
"Bob you f*cking idiot" Charlie said "We don't have a mind scrambling
gun. There's no such thing as a mind scrambling gun."
Bob was pissed when he yelled "Oh sh*t. One of you guys are going to
have to chip in for the tip now."

Bob opened the door and outside he saw December, Steel Lord and Darrin
backed by over one hundred LOS Members. Bob said "f*ck." The three walked in
with a few soldiers following behind them. Rich and Charlie both took up
defensive positions. Bob jumped up front and said "Do what you will to Rich
and Charlie. Please just don't f*ck with the chair. I finally got it broken
in just the way I like it."
Swallowing the last bit of scotch in the bottle Charlie screamed "Your
madness ends here December" then charged him with his sword. That charge
should of killed December, that is if Charlie was hold his sword by the
hilt. But in his drunkenness Charlie had grabbed the sword by the blade and
merely made a thud on December's armor as the hilt hit against it while at
the same time slicing open his hand.

Deep with in the cellars of the LOS stronghold, down in the murky
underworld that was the dungeon, Charlie and Bob were held prisoner with in
a jail cell along with some other shifty characters.
"Damn it" Said Bob "I don't know how the hell they got us. Some one must
have led them to our hide out."
"No one led them" Charlie said as he drank his tequila. "You told
everyone where you were. The pizza man. The mail man. The prostitutes on
seventh avenue. Everyone."
One of the guards came down to the cell doors carrying the dinner tray.
"Ooo, what did you bring us?" asked bob."
The guard said "Bean surprise."
"What's the surprise?" asked Charlie.
The guard answered "Miracle whip"

Shortly after the guards departure the two sat down to eat their dinner.
Charlie said, trying to make conversation "What I'm wondering is what
happened to Rich. I've bribed the guards for information and alcohol and no
one down here has even heard of him."
"Wait a minute" Bob said "You didn't have any money on you when we were
captured."
"So?" Charlie said a little confused.
"So if you didn't have any money, then how'd you bribe the guards?"
"Uhhh" Charlie was a little hesitant "I don't want to talk about it."
"Just answer one question for me then Charlie."
"What Bob?"
"Did you swallow?"
Charlie picked up his food and walked away saying "I'm going to eat with
the other fellows."

One of the prisoners sat down beside Charlie while he ate and said
"There's a rumor going around that you have a full-proof plan for our
escape."
"I'm glad you brought that up" said Charlie as he pulled a piece of
paper from his pocket "I've been talking to prisoners and bribing guards
while at the same time studying the architecture of this prison. I stayed up
all last night working on this plan. If we follow it to the letter there is
nothing to stop us from being free men tomorrow."

Bob sat alone eating his beans and miracle whip. He liked it. In fact he
was on his second plate which he stole from a prisoner after he got sick
from just a few bites. As Bob shoveled it down he suddenly felt a sharp pain
in his stomach. Something wasn't right. He yelled "Oh sh*t." and ran to
Charlie's table grabbing the escape plan from Charlie's hand before locking
himself in the bathroom.
Charlie ran to the door and yelled "Damn it Bob. I need that piece of
paper back. Come out of there right now." All Bob said in return was "Uhh,
Uhh, Ahhh." Bob finally walked out and handed the paper to Charlie. He took
one look at it and said "There's some kind of sh*t all over this Bob. What'd
you do wipe your *ss with it?"
Bob looked away in shame and Charlie through the plan to the ground
yelling "F*ck Bob."

December, Steel Lord and Darrin met in the conference chamber. Steel
Lord said "Rich did good. They're in the dungeon now. What would you like
done to them."
December said "I say we kill Bob."
Darrin broke in "You can't just go around killing defenseless people
like that. He'll do no harm down there I assure you."
"He may be right." said Steel Lord "We don't want to make a Martyr out
of Bob. He may be even stronger dead than alive."
December laughed and said "He won't be a martyr, trust me. With out Bob
there's no one left to lead them. Charlie's Rotting downstairs and Rich is
with us."
"What about Skee" Asked Steel Lord.
December shot back "Skee couldn't do sh*t even if he ate our bean
surprise. Now how should we kill Bob. I'm looking at a beheading."
A smile went across Steel Lord's face as he said "If we have a beheading
we have to also have a festival to celebrate. I'll see that everything is
prepared for tomorrow."
December smelt a disturbance in the room's air. He asked "Do you guys
smell smoke?"
Turning around he saw a small fire on the ground and stomped it out with
his foot. There was a man standing above the fire with a cigarette hanging
from his mouth. He said "I didn't do it."
"Who is this?" Demanded December.
Steel Lord cut in and said "This is Rob. He joined with us about a week
ago I've decided to make him my protogee."
"Fine" Said December "But if he starts one more fire there'll be hell to
pay." December turned around to give Rob a mean stare but instead noticed
half the room was ablaze. "Holy sh*t" he yelled "How the f*ck does he start
two fires that fast?"
Rob pointed at Darrin and said "He did it."

Late at night when the LOS army had gone to sleep Rob decided it was
time to see what these guys were all about. He sneaked in to December's
personal office and started thumbing through the files. What he found
shocked him. December wasn't in this because of the barrels. It was
something else entirely he was after. He wanted power. The more of the files
that Rob read the more disgusted he became. Then he read the last one
mentioning Bob's execution the next day.
"Hi there" Said December. Rob spun around nearly dropping the cigarette
from his mouth. "You son of a b*tch" he said "You aren't trying to stop the
barrels. You're trying to control AGD."
"AGD is small Rob" December whispered "I'm going for something much
bigger. Now you know about it, but I'll make it worth your while to keep
your mouth shut. I can give you power like you wouldn't believe."
"And do your killing like that deranged f*ck Steel Lord or belive your
lies like Darrin?" Rob shot back.
"No not at all" December answered "They know nothing of this. You would
be higher than them. In fact we'd be in this together like partners. What do
you say partner?"

Stay tuned for the next chapter
The Great Escape
or
Heads Up

The Lord of the Barrels: Part 4 - The Great Escape


Outside in the LOS courtyard the greatest party of the year was taking
place. All of the AGD regulars were there. December himself even managed to
show up and mingle with what he called his lessers and even Bob came,
however not by choice. He was chained and shackled on top of the stage
awaiting the main event, his beheading.
December walked through his army with a smile. Everything seemed
perfect, but it only seemed perfect until he asked that one question to
Steel Lord. He said "So, who did we get to cater this shin-dig?"
Steel Lord answered "Moe Saint Evergreen volunteered."
"What!" December was outraged "That cannibalistic f*ck is catering my
party. What the hell will we eat that isn't infested with termites."
In the back booth Moe stood around surrounded by wood casserole, wood
roasted wood, and wood tar tar. It was then that he broke in to song and
dance. He sang /7Who can take a barrel, sprinkle it with dew. Cover it in
chocolate. and a miracle or two. Saint Evergreen can. Saint Evergreen can.
Saint Evergreen can because he mixes it with love and a whole lotta wood./7

Rob showed up as a late arrival, with a strange girl on her shoulder. He
introduced her to his new partner December. December was of course polite
for the time being but he just couldn't understand it. The tiny mustache
below her lips, the arms of a weak man, and a mismatched chest with hair
coming out. After the couple left he turned to Steel Lord and said "I know
Rob isn't any Don Juan but he can do better than that. Hell I don't think
any man has to settle for that. We should by him a prostitute or something.
Maybe let him spend a few hours with Silver Raven in the torture room."
Steel Lord just said "Maybe she has one hell of a great personality."

Caspian put on his executioner's mask and walked on to the stage with
his axe in hand. But the plan did not go as well as expected. You see little
did anyone think that Rob's knew girlfriend would have her breasts fall out
during the party. Bob screamed "B*tch, you came back."
Skee looked down at his breasts on the floor and said "Sh*t." He grabbed
the crossbow from his back and shot Caspian full of arrows.

When Rob saw the problem in his plan he decided it was time to think
fast and change it. While everyone else was in awe at Skee-the
transvestite-Daddle's Chest dropping, Rob ran to the stables and stole
himself a horse and carriage. He road it out through the court yard plowing
down BKs as Skee jumped aboard. Skee threw out his grappling hook and caught
Bob by the chains. The three were on there way out.

Skee stayed in back trying to pull Bob in as he was being dragged
through mud, and rocks, and little presents left by the horses pulling the
carriage. Little did they expect a second BKing carriage to pull up along
side. Skee who almost had Bob up let him go all the way back.
Skee grabbed his crossbow and shot down the driver and several passenger
BKs. As it rolled of the road into a ditch Cindy leapt through the air
flipping on to the stolen carriage. She ran her sword through Skee's
crossbow. Skee was stuck dodging left and right trying to avoid Cindy's
sting. From the back Bob could be heard to yell "Go b*tch go. Ow."
Rob wanted to help Skee, but he couldn't. Some one had to drive the
carriage. Noticing his cigarette was down to a butt he threw it behind an
lit another.
It was a lucky break for Skee that the butt landed right on Cindy, and
that Cindy had earlier been involved in a very bizarre sexual orgy involving
large amounts of gasoline. She went up like a torch. Skee kicked her extra
crispy body off the carriage than sat up front with Rob. He smiled as he
heard from the back "Damn it b*tch, pull me up. It hurts back here."

The dungeon cellar was almost completely empty. That is except for
Charlie. Sitting down there he knew life had no more meaning. There just
wasn't any reason to keep living. Hopefully it would all be over soon.
But a light in the dark was from a torch accompanied by Rich. Rich
unlocked the cellar door and looked at Charlie. Charlie asked "How'd you get
here?"
Rich answered "I escaped and came back for you. A couple of guys got Bob
out on the top world. Come on, we need to leave."
Charlie looked to the ground and said "Just go Rich. I'm not worth
taking with. Leave me behind. I'll just be a nuisance."
Rich pulled a bottle of Jack Daniel's from his coat and threw it to
Charlie who drank the whole thing in one chug. With a determined and drunk
smile on his face Charlie said "Let's get the hell outta here, and kill any
of those f*cking f*cks that get in our way."

Stay tuned for our next chapter
No One To Spy For Us
or
Noone To Spy For Us.

SOMEONE SEND ME THE REST OF THIS DAMN THING!!!!